Devour My Thoughts
by millie1211
Summary: She feels like the lost puppy, so insecure and hopeless. Like a lost fly trapped in a powerful spider's web, he wraps his arms around her, and she feels her body relax against his strong build. D/E
1. Chapter 1

**My first fanfiction ever - please tell me your thoughts! Based around thoughts and feelings rather than fast-paced action.**

**Disclaimer: don't own anything, though i'd love to own damon salvatore ;)**

She feels so _jarred. _

She feels like the world is packed with decisions, but none of them really _matter_. That the ones that _do _matter she has no control over. She feels so ashamed, so _ruthless_ and so beguiled that such thoughts had flitted across her mind.

Her heart is heavy with emotion, with hope, with gratitude, with misguidance, with grief, with _pain_, and hopelessly overflowing with _love_. Love for the wrong ones, maybe? Or love for too many ones?

He was flexible, yet so needy. He was vulnerable, yet so undeserving. His coal blue eyes pierce a deep black line through her chest, and every time, they take her breath away. His triumphant, seductive smirk drew her heart in, and she was unable to tear her eyes away from it. It's like she's the prey and he's the predator - and no prancing or pouncing is necessary – he's caught her before he'd started trying.

"You want me." He slurs the words so they sink fully into her brain (_as if she'd not known before!_) and she gulps, swallowing back words, confusion, anger, desire.

He then does the unthinkable. She involuntarily holds her breath as he grasps her tiny face into his hands. He strokes her cheek gently, and she closes her eyes, allowing herself to exhale.

"Elena." He says her name so passionately, and she thinks it's such an _un_-Damon thing to do. She allows wallowing thoughts to take over her mind _for once_, and regretfully gazes into those coral eyes of his. She feels compelled, her brain is set into a whirlwind, and she ultimately wonders if this is all a trick, but feels for her vervain-filled necklace, finding that it is still in place, carefully caressing her neck.

"You want me," he repeats, clearer this time, and she feels her abdomen go on fire, proving that he _does_ own her, even if she wasn't his yet.

"Don't be stupid." She fails to make her voice sound stable, and she turns away, avoiding further embarrassment. He chuckles softly, and the sound rings playfully in her ears, echoes distantly in her mind. She feels like the lost puppy, so insecure and hopeless. Like a lost fly trapped in a powerful spider's web, he wraps his arms around her, and she feels her body relax against his strong build.

"Don't I make you feel alive?" he hisses into her hair, while softly stroking her cheek, "Aren't I the deepest of your desires?" He twirls her around, his strong hands placed on her bare shoulders. She avoids his gaze, and she hopes it's for the best.

"Damon, don't do this." Her voices still sounds wobbly, and she has never been the best of liars, she figures. She used to think, _why make it up when the truth is just __**there**_? Even if it was buried beneath rocks, mud, dust, cobwebs and sand.

"This is _exactly_ what you wanted." He stresses the word, and forms that victorious smirk of his, and she just wants to swoon, right here, right now.

She can't stand it any more. She can't stand being in the dark, being lost, yet never found. She can't stand the dishonesty, the bickering and the _lies_ that she fed everyone, even her damn _self_. She just wants to be exposed, to stop feeling so freakin' _hopeless_ and to do what she _wants_, without reactions or critical acclaim. And right now, those empowering blue eyes are just boring into her dark ones, and she can't bring herself to resist anymore, so she does the obvious: she falls fowl. Into the arms of the dangerous.

She feels his lips capture hers, and nothing else matters.

**Please tell me your thoughts by reviewing! Thanks for reading.**

**- Mils x**


	2. Chapter 2

**'Sup, everyone! I have nine days left of summer vacation, so I've decided to make this a multi-chapter story, and see how much I can write in that time. This chapter is a bit rushed, and I'm not very happy with the way it turned out, but please still read and review! **

She can't bring herself to look at him again.

He just _burns_ her, and it warms her inside but leaves imperishable scars on the outside. Last night's events put her thoughts to downright _shame_. She doesn't believe that she could've sunk this _low_, and her heart swells as she holds back angry tears. Temptation had gotten the best of her, she tells herself. That her encounter with Damon had meant _nothing_, that she was just bored and fell foul to a good piece of eye candy.

The problem is, most of the above isn't damn _true._

He had lifted her heart from the very bottom of the dark, murky well, and his kisses had set fire to her skin. Sparks had turned into a fueling fire, but thank God, she thinks, that they hadn't crossed the borderline.

But she knew, from deep inside her, that last night had meant _some_thing. That it had released the countless feelings all cooped up inside that heavy heart of hers, and had sent her feelings for Stefan so _far off_ her brain. Now that they are back, she is in shreds.

A little voice in her head tells her that _maybe_, just _maybe,_ she can't bring herself to look at him again because he will just _devour_ her. He had already stolen her heart, now he was gonna swallow it. She feels so sucked in, so stuck in this world where love is twisted and painful that she just wants to _snap._

"Soul-searching?" the familiar voice makes her flinch, and she crawls desperately out of her thoughts. She sighs deeply, mentally collecting her voice.

"What are you doing here?" her voice comes out as tired and feeble, and she nibbles on her lower lip nervously.

"That's for me to know and -''

"What are we doing, Damon?" she blurts out before she can stop herself. She mentally slaps herself for saying such a foul, stupid thing.

"Have you gone blind? I'm standing right here, and you're sitting on your -"

"What am Ito you?" she cuts in, curses herself again, and intentionally avoids his gaze.

He doesn't reply, but a slow, deliberate smirk starts to play across his face. He moves closer to her, and she sits there, utterly stunned. He gently pulls her to her feet, and lays his hands on her shoulders. They slow creep up her neck, and she closes her eyes, letting all the worry, the burdening thoughts, out of her head.

"When are you going to learn," he whispers into her hair, "That you are _not Katherine_?"

She lets the phrase sink into her brain, and she thinks, _since when does Damon Salvatore say something like __**that**__? _The thought itself is laughable. She wonders again if this is all a twisted dream, that maybe reality had crashed and burned. She wishes that the world could just be black and white, where Stefan is good and Damon is bad, and where those shades of grey wouldn't creep in and take over. She doesn't have time to ponder on another thought, since his lips are on hers again, and she automatically pulls him closer, yearning for more. His hands travel to her back, and she wraps herself around him, breathing in his scent. Her thoughts can't be set straight; they travel far off her mind, disappearing into the mist. His lips travel to her neck, and she throws back her head in pleasure. She feels his smirk on her neck, and _for once_, she lets herself smile.

She feels him tense up a bit, and she is snapped out of her (_temporary_) heaven, and all those brooding thoughts return, thoughts of certain _people_ return, and she instantly remembers who she is, at least who she is _ideally _meant to be. She is overcome with this massive wave, carrying guilt, shame, pain, anger.

"Elena," the voice is now only a distant echo in her mind, and the other shameful voice in her mind is telling her to just _stop_, that this is all a mistake and to just make him _leave. _

But she doesn't do even that.

She runs.

**Thanks so much for reading - next chapter should be up soon! The end of this chap is a bit rushed as well, so sorry about that. Next chap should be up soon! ;) **

**- Mils x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, guys! Thank you for your beautiful reviews so far. Sorry about the shortness of this chapter. I do like how there is no dialogue at all in this, and it just reveals all of Elena's thoughts on her relationship with Damon. I really wanted to emphasize Elena's vulnerability, her dilemma and also Damon's vulnerability (poor guy, he _needs_ a hug). We all know that Damon and Elena's relationship is no simple one, but that's what makes them the perfect match. Sorry that not much is happening, but I did say that there was not going to be much plot. I wanted to really define and break down Delena, and give all the reasons why we should love them. Anyway, enjoy, and tell me your thoughts! **

She knows that after their last encounter, she loves him.

She also knows that after their last encounter, she's seriously pissed him off.

She's still running, and the wind bangs against her cheeks as she makes her way towards the Grill. She's surprised that despite his inhuman speed; he hadn't used that to his advantage and stopped her yet. She slows down to a more agreeable pace, but her heart is still racing, bashing against her ribs. She just needs to get _away_. She just needs to _think_, to find a way to sort out this muddy, awful mess up, to fully understand the difference between what she _wants_ and what she's _allowed. _She wonders why the world is tormenting her; why _she_ has to be the one trapped amidst all this chaos, this turmoil.

The thought of losing Damon makes her choke; but the thought of having him also haunts her. She asks herself _why on earth_ she managed to fall for someone this abstruse, this _twisted. _She remembers hurting this outrageous, obnoxious _monster_, and somehow this creature had surrendered (gradually, mind you) to her presence. She is then reminded of his vulnerability, how she had bent him, turned him, twisted him, rolled him until he could just _snap. _She knows she's taunted him one too many times, rejected him, called him things that were undeniably _dumb_, slapped him, and you name it. Just giving in and having a full taste of that forbidden fruit seems so much simpler, but staying out and running away also seems like the easy path. Yet both of them are intricate and troublesome.

She had always thought the expression 'loving someone so much it hurts' was absurd, but it defines the way she feels right now. She feels like the problems are staring at her in the face, but all she's doing is turning away and fleeing. She feels like the coward, the vulnerable one. She wants to be the six year old, to sleep it all off, and wake up the next day with all the troubles abated.

Yet when she reaches the Grill, there the problem is, staring at her in the eye.

He's already there.

**So, like it? Hated it? Leave your thoughts by reviewing!**

**I'm considering writing a fic from Damon's perspective, but writing Damon wouldn't be as easy as writing Elena. Thanks again for readin'!**

**- Mils x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's a pretty long update for you all! Thank you for your lovely reviews. **

Elena Gilbert really does hate games.

Unfortunately for her, Damon Salvatore doesn't.

She feels like they're going round in circles, continuously building this bridge that never crosses to the other side. She hates him, loves him, despises him, adores him – there's one thing she can definitely say, he knows how to toy with her emotions. Yet words that come out of his mouth are always the cold, hard truth; he never takes advantage when she's helpless and unprotected. She hates how every deliberate move he makes always _fails_ to displease her, every sentence he constructs fails to draw her back. She's becoming more and more irresponsible and carefree _every_ time she's with him, and she's not sure she likes it.

Her first instinct is to turn away, to run as far as she can from his presence. She does just that, but a cold hand grips at her shoulder before she can make her move. She doesn't turn around, fearing what she would see.

"Don't worry, I haven't transformed into Darth Vader. It's pretty safe to turn around, you know." She can practically hear the grin in his voice.

She's scared. After all those welling emotions boiling up inside of her, she's come to a conclusion. She's damn scared of what will happen _if_ she gives in, or what will happen if she dodges. She's scared of hurting Stefan, but also of hurting Damon all the same. She's scared because she's torn, because she wants so much but isn't allowed it all. She's scared of being disapproved, being abandoned and rejected. She's scared because she's stuck between all these manky, demanding decisions and doesn't know a way out. She's scared because she _loves_ him so freaking much, and she doesn't want to lose him.

"Damon, I can't." The words come out as simple and distinct, and she feels her heart go on fire. He's turned her around so many corners, and she feels so lost.

"Can't turn around? Have you lost all your senses?" He's obviously enjoying this, she thinks, dodging seriousness and using his snarky ways as an excuse. She gathers up the courage to twirl around, to stare him in the eye and find her voice. His face just blinds her – it's so beautiful that it hurts to look. She lets his features sink in before she can open her mouth.

"I can't hurt Stefan like this. I'm – I'm hurting everyone." She draws in a deep breath, surprised that she had managed all that.

"Wow, Elena, I didn't know you were the _physical_ type. What can I say, Stefy will sure be pleased." She sighs, because she _knows_ that _he_ knows what she actually means.

"I'm sorry that I left you earlier, Damon. But I can't. I'm sorry."

She sees him tense up at this, and her body floods with remorse. She doesn't want to be hurting him, yet _again_, but she doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't know how to stay true to herself. The borderline between what she _wants_ and what she _expects_ is blurred, and she feels so blown away that it would take forever to come back.

"Big deal," she hears him mumble, "Everyone runs from me."

"Especially when the fangs are about to kick in," he adds, to lighten up.

"Damon…" she starts, because she really is _sorry_, and she loves him, ever so much.

"I get it. It's fine." He turns to leave, but she knows she has to do something. Anything. This is _her_ mess, and she's going to fix it.

"You were right!" she exclaims, to get his attention. He turns around to meet her eyes, which look intrigued but slightly defeated.

"You were right," she continues, "I do want you." He relaxes a bit, and she takes this as her cue to carry on.

"But I want Stefan too." She hears a slight groan leave his throat, and she thinks, _I'm killing him!_

"And I can't have you both."

"So," she concludes, "I don't think we should see that much of each other anymore."

She winces are her words, and she knows that she has implied that _she has chosen Stefan_, and she's already regretting it. She loves him, just as much as Stefan, and she doesn't want him to feel rejected.

"Goodbye, Elena." A tear rolls down her cheeks as he utters _those two words_, and she knows she's messed up, _yet freakin' again. _

"Damon, no!" The tears forcing themselves out now, and she knows she's going to be miserable without him, but what damn else is she meant to do? She's not _allowed_ him, or rather, he's not allowed her.

"You've made your decision."

**So, what did you think of it? Poor Elena. And Damon. I do love torturing the guy. Heartbreak comes around once in a while, eh? I'm not a Stelena believer, but I need to include a bit of it to get Delena going, since Delena is strongest when it's problematic and they're not allowed each other. **

**Also, it's getting to a rather sketchy area here where everytime I update (I've tried it three times) it doesn't show up in the archives. Well, technically, it still does, but behind lots of fics that were updated before mine. It says the right amount of chapters and all the changes I've applied are made, but it's still so behind, and I'm already losing reviews. It's already been about 6 hours, and I've decided to give it another twenty-four hours. If it still doesn't show up by then, I'm gonna reupload the whole story. Any of you who are reading this, if you know anything that may help, please leave a comment! **

**Thanks so much for reading!**

**- Millie xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Problem fixed! ;)**

**Enjoy! **

"Damon, please!" She wants to plead and plead, to do anything to distract him. "Don't do this, I'm begging you!" She blubbers on stupidly, her tears cascading down her tender cheeks.

She needn't have bothered.

He was already gone.

She feels like such a fool. She's done this to him, _yet again_, rejected him and then asked for him. She knows she's playing with him, even if it wasn't intentionally. She hates feeling like Katherine, so manipulative and indifferent. Somehow, she and _Katherine_ were destined to be in this mess, although Katherine enjoyed it; this brought Elena nothing but pain. Pain to be involved. Pain to _not_ to involved.

She starts to head towards the Salvatore boarding house.

He may be out plotting against his next victims, but maybe Stefan will be there. It's like a drug – she just _needs_ them. She feels so greedy, so malignant, so…_Katherine_. She's made it clear on so many occasions that _she. Is. Not. Katherine, _but her similarities to her doppelganger are at its peak.

She dials his number.

He, being the ridiculous ass he is, wouldn't miss this opportunity.

"911, what's your emergency?" The playfulness in his voice is unbelievable.

"Damon, I'm sorry." She grips her phone with so much force that she's surprised it hasn't surrendered to pieces.

"For what, may I ask?" Again, still the hint of playfulness.

"I was wrong." Three simple words. So much meaning.

"Wow, shocker."

"Could you not joke around for _three seconds_?" Her exact words a few months ago. She's getting frustrated; she wants to express herself but this ass of a guy is making it ridiculously _difficult. _

"Elena, it's okay." She's speechless, for once.

"If you choose my brooding, no-fun brother, then whatever. I'll live. Even though, technically, I'm dead. I guess I'll just have to watch in misery."

"No!" Both are pushing at each other, and it's freakin' absurd.

"Damon, I don't _choose_ him." The words are out in the air before she can stop them.

"Well, my vocabulary range isn't _huge_, but I could say – you _pick_ him? Select him?"

"I love you, Damon."

The three magic words that are used to cure everything. For the short term, at least. And, before she can draw in her breath, she feels him behind her. She whirls around to face that impeccable _beauty_, whose eyes take her breath away, and lips are _finally_ captured, feelings are revealed, the truth is admitted. She grins against his lips, and she feels herself being lifted.

**The time does come around for those three words. What can I say? I'm so proud of Elena.**

**Also, I apologize if Damon is a little bit OOC. I tried really hard to stay true to Damon's character, but it can be a little bit hard. **

**Review! **

**- Emilie xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**A pretty short chapter, so sorry, guys! **

She's sure for a minute there that he loves her too.

She thought saying _those three words_ would make matters easier.

She was wrong.

They just take things onto a whole new level.

"Do you really?" he questions her between kisses. She smiles because it seems so _surreal_, and the fact that she had just confessed it is just _way_ out of league.

"Yes." She's never meant anything more in her life.

She's never felt so complete.

"And what would _dear Stefan_ think about that?"

She immediately tenses up, and the look in his eye tells her that he is in fact _dead serious_, and won't take any of this corny love triangle nonsense anymore. But the fact is, she's with _him _at the moment, and that's the only thing that matters.

"I don't know." It's the truth, after all. She hadn't even thought of Stefan when she had said it, and realization dawns on her, sweeping away those last moments of panic.

"Elena, I'm not the white knight. I'm not going to stick around watching you play_ Bambi_ with my brother." The tone of his voice is cold, and she flinches at his choice of words.

"I don't want you to be!" she exclaims. She takes a moment to calmly collect herself. _Just what is he trying to prove? _

"I want you for who you are, Damon."

"And who is that?" he retorts. She sighs, and after all, she's put him through so much. Just as a pang of sympathy starts to kick in, reality jumps in and clouds her thoughts. She _has_ cheated on her boyfriend, and for some outrageous reason, she's not sorry. This thought worries her to the core.

"Damon…" she begins, not knowing _what the hell_ to say.

"Just when you can prove that you _did_ mean what you said, then let me know."

This time, _he's_ the one that leaves _her._

**Easy, easy, easy! It's gonna take gut to pry those words out of Damon. But it'll come... eventually! **

**Who's excited for Season 2? The promo pics & trailer really kick some ass. Have people seen that Delena shot for 2x03? **

**- Mils xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**The problem I had 2 chapters ago has come back. After I update this chapter, it'll probably appear in the update list. It seems to only appear in the archives for every two chapters I write. So, dear readers, please be sure to read them both!**

**Here's a Stefan & Elena centric episode for y'all. **

**N.B. please read the *update* underneath! **

She needs to find Stefan.

She can't stand _lying_ to him any longer, even if he had fed her twice the amount she had fed him.

Angry tears were carelessly streaming down as she drove to the Salvatore boarding house. She grips tightly at the steering wheel, like it's her source of oxygen, her only chance of redemption. She's not sure what she _wants_, but she has to tell him.

…

"Stefan, I need to tell you something." His face scrunches up in confusion, but he slowly nods.

"Anything, Elena." She's soothed by the calmness in his voice.

"It's – it's Damon, Stefan." His face turns from confusion to worry, and he grips her arm firmly.

"What did he do?" His green eyes gaze deeply into her dark ones, "I swear, if he did anything to you, I'll…"

"He hasn't done anything. I just…" She pauses, stuck for words.

"Have you been wearing that necklace on a regular basis? He hasn't been _compelling_ you or anything, has he?" Stefan's face lines up with even more worry.

"No, no, nothing like that."

She really doesn't know how to reveal this to him. She wants to, mind you, but she can't get herself to just go right out and _say it._

She didn't need to.

"You're in love with him." Surprisingly, Stefan's face relaxed, the worry no longer seen. She opens her mouth, astounded by how composed he was acting.

"Yes." She doesn't say anything else, because she feels like that three letter word has defined all her feelings. Wait, maybe another three, and then she's done.

"And I'm sorry." There. Now she knows she's let loose.

"I knew, Elena," Stefan says. Wait, _what? _"That sooner or later, history _was_ going to repeat itself." She breathes out, relieved.

"I don't want to be like Katherine." She says this _clearly_, because really, she freaking _doesn't_ want to be compared to that self-serving bitch.

"I know. And you're not like Katherine at all."

"I'm involved with _both_ the Salvatore brothers. I'm as similar to Katherine as I can get."

"I love you, Elena. And I'd do anything to _be_ with you, even if it means I have to share you." The tears are threatening to escape once again, but she fights them back with all her force.

"I love you too, Stefan, but I'm not a toy. I don't want to be _shared. _The fact is - I'm not allowed you both." She gently strokes his cheek.

"Damon means a lot to me. So do you." She bites her lip, unnerved.

"_I love him, _Stefan, and I'm sorry." He just nods, and smiles weakly.

"It's alright, Elena." He gives her hand a small squeeze. "You know, I can tell that he really does love you."

"Thank you, Stefan." She tucks a strand of her hair back. "But I'm _not Katherine. _You said so yourself. I won't be. Ever."

"If Damon wants me because of _her_, then I can't have that." She pauses to take a breath.

"And I really am sorry, Stefan. I never meant to get between the two of you."

**I did intend for this fic to be _only_ based around Damon & Elena, but I decided to include Stefan, since it would help get the story going. I think she reacted a bit too calmly in this, though. I don't want to write Stefan as a bad guy, who suddenly turns on Elena and becomes evil, since that's not what the CW wrote him to be. I did say I wanted to stay true to all the characters. He does love Elena, whether we like it or not. I have to say that I'm not a Stefan fan (broody and boring aren't my forte) but he _is_ a genuinely good guy.**

**There's too much dialogue in this, in my opinion, and I don't really like that. Anyway, RnR! **

***UPDATE* Sorry I haven't updated for long! I've decided to take a little break for a few days, and get back on track again since I'm finding that this story is going downhill. Hope you guys don't mind that. I love y'all! **

***UPDATE, AGAIN* 3/9/10 sorry, guys. school is nearing, so i'm pretty busy, and i've decided to take a break for about 3 weeks. i'm so sorry, but i promise to continue this story! thank you ALL of you who have reviewed, story alerted, author alerted etc. THANK YOU! i love you all so much. **

**- Millie Mil Mils xxx**


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